Every now and then, especially when I feel down, I look at the picture of this man, Dr. Sudhir Paul. A scientist at the University of Texas at Houston, Dr. Paul and his team last summer discovered what he claims is the Achilles Heel of the HIV virus--a part of the virus that does not mutate. Dr. Paul engineered something called an abzyme that binds itself to the non-mutating site of the virus and destroys it. In lab tests with animals, he has met with consistent success. The next step is to start testing in humans, but that's only if funding becomes available. And even were money to become available, he said that it would be at least five years before his research would be able to help humans.I wonder what I would do if I were free of HIV. Would I live abroad again? Would I stop being afraid of approaching guys? Would I dare to fall in love? I know I am very lucky, lucky to be living in a country that affords access to HIV meds. That allows me to keep hoping for better times. Better times that might arrive in 2013. I'll be waiting Dr. Paul.
4 comments:
Hi J.T.,
Somehow I feel the HIV virus has placed too many constraints on your life. Some of these, like being unable to live in Korea are very clearly imposed by governments or institutions and it's a matter of time for these entities to eliminate such restrictions.
The personal constraints seem a bit tougher as they seem to be a "chicken and the egg" dilemma. On the one hand you've been rejected before once guys find out you're HIV+. This rejection in turn has caused pain and insecurity (you are afraid to put yourself out there and being hurt).
But by being ultra-cautious you also limit your opportunities to find someone who is either HIV+ or HIV- but not afraid of dating someone who is HIV+.
I believe you may have also unnecessarily limited your opportunities of having "fun" with others due to HIV. I find this last problem more puzzling, as you could be having safer sex without necessarily disclosing your status and not being "evil" or unscrupulous to others (say vs. the "neg" guys who bareback).
I'd love to see you finding a better "middle ground" which is less burdensome on your personal life.
Take care,
Rob
Thanks for the concern Rob. Well, at this point I am not looking for "fun" anymore, not even on a casual, once-in-a-while basis. At this point, my strategy is to just looking to meet some good friends, and hopefully I will fall in love with one of them and vice-versa. The problem is, it's hard finding "friends" in NY as well. Everyone is so busy. Everyone's tastes are highly specialized. And despite what people say about looking to be "just friends" they still want to get into your pants if they can.
I will keep looking for what I want, and not what I think I need. And as of today, I don't see what I want anywhere around me. I am looking for truly exceptional people, people who are aware (of themselves and the world at large) and articulate and considerate. Brutally hopeless combination, I know, but I haven't given up just yet.
I completely agree on the "friends" comment. Everyone is too busy in NYC so it is hard to add someone new to one's routine.
As you do say, the term "friend" might as well be redefined as "friends I'd like to sleep with".
Of course all of the above explains why it's always easier to sleep around vs. building meaningful friendships or relationships.
So it's good you are more on a let's make new friends and hang out and if something develops then it's great vs. being obsessed looking for someone.
As per your requirements ... I tend to keep them short and sweet. Otherwise I feel if I ran a filter on a database of potential matches I'd always get zero matches!
JT
to echo your words " life is mysterious, life is miraculous"... keep hopeful. keep open.
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