Monday, June 23, 2008

If Only Doug Had Waited

Back in college I knew a guy named Doug. He was probably the best looking guy I had ever seen in my life. I know that with the passage of time, we tend to enhance the memories of people who are gone, but I still remember very clearly the huge crush that I had on him. Doug didn't go to my school, but he lived nearby and was friends with someone from my dorm. At this time, I knew I was gay, but had absolutely no gaydar and didn't know that Doug was gay. It wouldn't be until years later that I found out about Doug's sexuality. It was also years later that I would find out that Doug was HIV+ when I knew him. This was in the late 80s and early 90s before there was cocktail therapy. Back then, HIV really was a death sentence. If only Doug had waited until 1996. That's when the cocktail therapies started. And that's when Doug could have dared to hope again. But I guess the loneliness and isolation were too much for him. So he committed suicide in a hotel room. I am going through some hard times lately. The problem is that I don't think I would know how to commit suicide. The problem is that I still have some hope. Sometimes I wonder how I could just get rid of that last bit of hope and go away peacefully and be with Doug. I miss you so much.

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