Tonight's Sermon - What is Essential?

Tonight I went to the evening service, which I actually prefer because the night air seems to calm everyone down and there's a sing-along before the service starts. No one has to rush off to some afternoon dim sum thingy and most everyone stays for coffee and chit chat upstairs.

What is essential to life? What do we need? What do we need to make us happy? I guess someone has to ask these questions because they're certainly not being asked in school and work and the political spheres which only take up nearly 100% of our living lives. Why is it that these questions aren't being asked in the places where we spend most of our waking hours? That in itself is a telling state of our society. What the good Reverend was saying tonight is that the answer changes based on our situation. True, that. I remember 6 years ago when I first found out that I was HIV+ that all I needed was to know that I wasn't going to be dead in 2 years time. Once I got that answer, then I needed a job. Then I needed a job that would actually not drive me crazy. Then I needed my Dad to not be sick. Then I needed my friend to get better. With our "needs" changing all the time, it's no wonder we're all kind of a little cuckoo and so hard for others to read.

All we need is the grace of God, knowing that we're loved and that we're forgiven for being less than the perfect creatures we are. The problem is that most of us couldn't care less about some distant God and simply want to be loved and forgiven by the people we're surrounded by. Loved by our friends. Family. Boss. Colleagues. Forgiven by these very same people for all the silly and serious mistakes we make. So the challenge tonight was to be an individual who can love and forgive. And if we could all do that, then maybe earth could be a kind of heaven. What we really need is the capacity to be this kind of person. This is what we should pray for. This is what we should try to achieve. To have a godly spirit that knows how to love and forgive.

Sermon for May 2 - Loving Others

It's been months since I've posted an entry, and for good reason--I realized I don't have much to say anymore. It's been more than six years since I found out about my status and I think I am very lucky to still be alive and where I am. The biggest change in my life is that I have started going to church again. It's a congregation of predominantly gay individuals who have decided that they're not going to let their sexuality come in the way of a relationship with a Divine Being. Sure it's hard to square what the Bible says about being gay with being a Christian, but the Bible also mentions that it's perfectly OK to have slaves, too. We'll ask God the hard questions when we get to heaven.

Today's sermon was about loving those people we just can't stand. Lord knows there are a couple of people like that in everyone's life. The minister challenged us today to make a conscious decision to care about someone like that. More often than not, what prevents us from loving someone is that we spend too much time being infatuated with our own selves that we can't see anyone else. Like the beautiful boy Narcissus from Greek mythology, we fail to hear others, too caught up in our own images. Like the nymph Echo who loved Narcissus, we're unable to express what we really feel. Love is not about mushy feelings, but about believing in the potential of someone else. That got me thinking as to the last time I tried to believe in someone other than me. It's apparent I need to start trying a lot harder.

Sing Out Loud

I love this kid. Why can't we all sing with such passion and innocence?

Why Worry

Over the past few days my friend has managed to sit up and actually get her throat to make out words and sounds. Her left side is still quite weak, but through rehab it looks as if she's going to have good mobility. I am grateful.

Why worry?
There should be laughter after pain,
There should be sunshine after rain,
These things have always been the same.
So why worry now?

I Am Sad

The sadness of the past three days has been a tsunami. I am drowning in this indescribable sadness. Catching my breath only makes me grow crazier. I just want to rip all the breathing and feeding tubes out of her body and hug her. I want to take her to get her hair and nails done and make her look like her old pretty self. I want to hear her voice and her laugh. I want my pain to stop. I want to stop crying.

Accident

I have been in a state of shock for the past two days. One of my closest friends in the world was in a major car accident on Friday. I got a call from her secretary asking me to come to her office and help out. Of course. But I couldn't wait to get out of that office and run to the hospital.

11 hours in surgery. I was crying a lot of that time. I get antsy when I have to sit on a plane for 11 hours, but now my dear friend was fighting for her life. When the surgeon came out, he calmly explained. How her brain had been pushed all the way down to her neck. How her neck was broken. In two places. How the metal plates in her neck would stay with her for the rest of her life. The dreaded question. Was she paralyzed? He wouldn't know until the next morning.

I came home and cried. I cried for so many reasons. I cried because of all the pain she must have been in. I cried because she just had a baby. I cried because I could walk. Because I had a neck that was working. I cried because I felt afraid. I just wanted to crawl into a protective hole and never have to come out and face the world again.

I went to see her again tonight. I had to look for the person in the bed, hidden and covered by all the tubes coming out of her. But the nurse said she had movement in her arms and legs. But that the right side wasn't responding as well as they would like. She couldn't speak. I called out my name. She barely opened one eye. I had to turn away.

My beautiful friend. She has a baby and a husband who need her. If I could trade places with her, I would. Life is so sad sometimes.

What a Day for Yuna and Michelle!

Straight off the bat, two of my favorite sporting figures won today. Yuna Kim, the figure skater, won Skate America with a world-record performance in the short program and then a disastrous (for her) skate in the long. But the combined score was still 13 points greater than the second place finisher. And Michelle Wie finally won her first title on the LPGA Tour through all the noise and criticism of her detractors. How do I tie these two together?

Yuna has been on top of the world for quite some time now, certainly since last March when she won the World Championships for the first time. Since then, the media and her fans have placed a 100,000-pound paperweight on her shoulders called "PRESSURE". Today she succumbed to it. But still she smiled for the cameras during the interview. Good for her. As I have learned all too well in the past six years, you learn so much more from your mistakes than you do from your triumphs. Victory is great but it doesn't force you to reflect. To look at yourself in the mirror and ask what it takes to make yourself stronger and happier.


Michelle, after having won a USGA title at the age of 13, would find herself winless for six years. Until today. What a monkey she gets to hurl off her shoulders. So many people derided her as a fluke, a fake and even a floozy. (People say the stupidest things on the message boards.) But still she trudged on, and now, at the ripe old age of 19, she has a win on the most competitive tour for women in the world. And she beat the top-30 players on the money list doing so. Tuning everyone else out. Ignoring the crap. About how you ruined your life and are not worthy of love. And that's what Yuna needs to do today--let this loss go and not let it block her energy. And just like Michelle, she'll find herself in a better place tomorrow.